an irreverent reflection on pregnancy...'cause that's how i roll

i am not one of those women who loves pregnancy. in fact, i thoroughly dislike it. don't get me wrong, i am a huge fan of this little person that will soon be here, but the pregnancy part of getting her here is not fun. granted, i've had a rough pregnancy from the beginning that has included vomiting, scar tissue stretching, 4 hospital visits and bed rest. in fact, my little sister said to me the other day, "carmen, you know how they say that women glow when they are pregnant? you never really glowed. you just looked sick and tired all the time." i couldn't help but laugh, but then i informed her that people don't tell you that that "glow" is produced by the effort of trying to not vomit all the time!

another thing that makes me laugh is when people ask me if i intend to have a natural birth. you know how, in the Bible, Eve/women are told that there will be pain and suffering in childbearing? well, i figure i have fulfilled my portion of that curse for womankind. which is why i intend, upon reaching the hospital (for the 5th and hopefully final time!), i intend to say, or scream as circumstance demands, "EPIDURAL, please." also, that "please" will probably be dependent upon circumstances, as well.

one other thing, don't even ask if i have a birth plan. of course i do! it can be summed up like this -"get this baby out!"

now that we have covered the important points, let's change course and let me tell you about certain things that people don't tell you about pregnancy, but should. for instance, your hair. you always here that the vitamins and hormones help your hair look better and grow faster. well, for me, this is kinda true, i suppose. the times i actually have the energy to do my hair, it does look a bit better than normal. you NEVER hear, however, that those same vitamins and hormones make your leg hairs grow faster, too. seriously, i should be shaving every day. this is a problem. do you know how hard it now is to even reach my legs, much less drag a sharp, dangerous instrument up them? this is not to mention the fact that you can't even see, hu-hem, more delicate areas to shave. yes, i admit, i have used a mirror a couple of times. what's a girl to do, after all?

another thing people don't tell you (but i probably should have guessed) is the unique relationship you develop with the floor. i audibly groan every time i drop something...which is constantly. i feel as if i am about 105 years old b/c i look at the object for a bit as i mentally try to determine if it is worth the effort of bending or squatting down to get it. if i come to the conclusion that it is, i then mentally contemplate a bit longer to figure out if there is anything else i can get while i'm down there. of course, there usually isn't anything else in that particular place,. well, that is until i stand back up and drop the same &^*%#$@ object again, in the exact same place and have to go through the whole process a second (or third) time.

my sister especially enjoys the audible groans that i manage without realizing i'm doing it. these groans help me get through my day since they, basically, constitute my sympathizing with myself. they accompany any number of activities...bending/squatting down, sitting down, standing up, reaching for something at any and all heights, climbing in the car, climbing out of the car, sleeping, not sleeping, using the bathroom, not using the bathroom, moving, not moving, eating, not eating...well, i think you get the picture. my entire day is typically made up of my offering sympathy to myself. someone has to do it, after all.

sleeping, or not sleeping, as the case may be, is a whole new adventure - and not the fun kind. doug always said that if he could change something about me, it would be my internal temperature. i am always cold and he would get tired of having my ice-cold feet on him trying to warm up. well, he managed to change my internal body temperature by knocking me up, but is there any appreciation? no. now he says i radiate heat, he has a ton of blankets to sleep under and i have a sheet and maybe one other thin blanket. we have come to a compromise, however...if i need the house cooler, we make it cooler. :)

as is fairly obvious, pregnant women must also sleep on their sides. the back is uncomfortable and not great for you or the baby. stomach-sleeping....well...you know. so, you get to sleep on your sides and both get very sore, especially the hip bones. because of this, you find yourself switching sides often throughout the night. no one tells you that switching sides to lay on in bed becomes, at the very least, a 3-point maneuver! trust me, at this point, doug and i are both wishing we had a king-size bed! the other night he fell asleep on the couch and i didn't wake him up b/c i was reading and couldn't sleep - but, the real reason is that i wanted the bed to myself. how horrible is that? heehee!

all of this being said, doug and i are really excited about this little ninja bug coming to join our family! like most in our position, we are scared, excited, nervous, terrified, elated, etc. hopefully we can agree on a name, otherwise she will be called "ninja bug" all her life!

and, don't worry, i will try to have another post titled "an irreverent reflection on the newborn stage"! that post will probably begin with the amount of bodily fluids one must learn to deal with. that one should be good.

the consistent groove

spinning class. for most of you following this infrequent blog, that will be "enough said." my dear friend kerri (or at least "dear" until last night) talked me into going to spinning class with her. she knows i want to get back in shape after surgeries and knows i NEED to get back into shape while i continue eating everything in sight (goldfish are a particular favorite).

where was i? ah! the gym...spin class...disaster. i believe it has already been fairly well established that i am not a graceful person, even in my best of moments. let me preface this by saying that i was already so nervous that in the line to enter the room, i was talking my head off. when we got in, another friend set my bike for me since i had no idea what i was doing. the left pedal, however, somehow got left out of the setting equation.

we begin. oh, this isn't so bad. they even have cool music and turn the lights out. sweeeeeeeeet! spinning really isn't bad when you keep the gears at the lowest setting possible. i think i have this figured out. what? you want me to up the gear? not a problem! again? now, i'm starting to sweat. remember that left pedal? yep, my foot slipped right out. stop and fix it. keep going. get a drink of water. up a gear. left foot out again. stop and fix it. WHAT? you want me to stand up on this thing? are you serious? everyone else is standing up so i guess she is serious. darn it. sit back down. take a sip of water. left foot out again. stop and fix it. stand up again. down again. i wish she would make up her mind. left foot out again. stop and fix it. take a sip of water.

oops, dropped the water bottle. leave it there. a bright pink beacon of my spinning inadequacy. up a gear...again. wipe the sweat off with a towel. dropped the towel. wanted the bright pink water bottle to have company. keep going. up another stinkin' gear. now we are really going and i am really sweating, without the luxury of being able to wipe the sweat off b/c my towel is visiting my water bottle.

at this point, she says we must up the intensity. up the intensity? what have i been doing this whole time? i'm upped, i'm upped. leave me alone. i look to my left. kerri is grinning/laughing at me. it's a good thing she brought me the on-the-floor water bottle and towel or i might slap her. i might slap her anyway.

climbing a hill, now. the hardest hill of all she says...i am actually doing pretty well with this hill if you don't count the burning thirst and the river of sweat. climbing...climbing...climbing...falling, falling...falling........yes, my friends, i fell off of a stationary bike.

the instructor and about four other people yell "are you okay?" kerri is laughing harder. a guy from the back comes to help me with the left pedal that has come off four different times now, (and that isn't even counting the fall) while everyone else keeps spinning. kerri, in the meantime, keeps laughing. the guy on my right tells me that he has always been afraid he would do that. i inform him that he doesn't need to be afraid anymore because i just did it for both of us.

i climb back on the instrument of torture and try to get my groove back. which is a bit humorous considering that my groove consisted of dropping things and slipping out of pedals. thankfully, the class ended soon after and everyone told me that it was okay that i had fallen off something that never moved.

i felt as if i should have been thoroughly humiliated, but i couldn't help but laugh. how can you not? moments like that are very funny. if not for you, then for everyone else! it is hard when you go into something wanting to be perfect at it the first time, and we all do that, admit it! so, i was not perfect, but i was consistent with "Carmen-ness." there is, after all, something comforting about consistency, isn't there? will i return to spin class?

probably. but not to that bike. it hates me.

it has been almost a year...wow

i can't believe (that's a lie, i can) that i haven't written a blog in almost a year. by almost a year, i mean a year. i think i'm a week short. wow! my friend jay knows me too well. he started laughing when i said i was going to write a blog. sigh.

it has been a crazy year. i finished student teaching in december. during that, i had hernia surgery, an emergency room visit, and multiple doctor visits. right after finishing (as in the day of), i was in the emergency room b/c i couldn't walk 6 weeks after the surgery b/c of nerve issues, so i had a second surgery to relieve pressure on the nerve. the next day, doug and i flew to texas for christmas with my family. hmmmmmmm....can we say, just a little painful? it was worth it, though, and, since hell has not yet frozen over, there was no way i wasn't going to go. well, after a long recovery time (which is still going on as i deal with pain on a daily basis), normal life has, more-or-less, resumed. i am teaching kindergarten as a long-term substitute and loving it. doug and i are remodeling the kitchen. in fact, i spent the weekend climbing up a ladder and in and out of a window to get into my house. that part - not fun. we are also going to aruba in june just to celebrate the fact that i am 98% recovered. :)

so, that is the catch-up for you. now for the actual blog...which is of nothing important and completely random mind wanderings. let's start with church. i was totally not focused this sunday. it is hard to focus when allergies/sinuses are about to make your head explode. then you begin to wonder what that might actually look like. not pretty, let me tell you. then, i think of something that must just absolutely be said to my husband or my sister (who was visiting and will be spending summer with me b/c she found a job!), or the friend behind me. so, of course, i tell them. then, the pastor says something that i think doug should be paying particular attention to, so i jab him in the ribs. yes, i jab him in the ribs. any other good wife would do the same. don't judge me. :p then, well, i need a pen, b/c i'm starting to feel bad about whispering. i can't find one. doug tries to help. he can't find one. caylen finally gets me one. so i write notes to both of them that have nothing to do with the sermon (though i'm sure i could have come up with something convicting and meaningful had a i really tried). and, yes, caylen (sister) plans on going with my boys and i on pony pasture trips this summer, just so you know. all of this being said, i didn't hear much of the sermon. this is where i trust that the Lord just allowed what needed to stick to stick, b/c i wasn't helping Him out at all. i'm glad He's in charge and i'm not. i'd hate to think that He was envisioning what allergy-exploded heads would look like.

a nondignified soliloquy

there are some health-related issues that really just flush any dignity you thought you had right down the toilet. yes, that was a pointed play on words, in case you were wondering. i have, all of my life, wished i were a dignified person. those who know me well should be laughing hysterically about now. actually, that could be said for those who don't know me very well, also. it takes a total of about 30 seconds within meeting me to realize that i never even make a guest appearance on any dignity list. i used to try. i really did. that was a confusing time in my life. i was probably about 24 when i even gave up the trying. i wasn't fooling anyone anyway.

so, back to the indignity of some illnesses. i have been sick a lot in my life. when doug and i were dating, we got into a "puking-story-war." he was finished after 3 stories. i could have kept going all night with my stories spanning several continents. i don't know that he let me get through even half of the really good ones before he asked me to stop sharing. i've filled enough plastic baggies in my life to have a landfill named after me.

clearly, a part of me still longs for a measure of dignity - some sort, any sort. when i think dignity i think of my mother. she is very dignified and the picture of southern gentility. i, on the other hand, put one more in mind of the crazy people featured on daytime talk shows. it's discouraging, really, and one could be tempted to wallow in that discouragement. i, however, have found a way to deal with my failure in the area of dignity. i simply refuse to believe that i'm a failure. i just have my own personal brand of dignity.

1). i have become quite dignified at extricating myself from embarrassing conversational mishaps that i myself have caused by putting my foot in my very big mouth

2). i am very dignified at recovering from a careless trip - over my own feet-in front of people-all the time

3). i am the picture of dignity when i meet someone i don't remember and should - i can play that one off like a champ

4). and what about when i....um...um... nope...that's all i've got.

so, i was wrong. i'm not that dignified. so why should one more undignified illness really matter one way or the other? i find that i still like myself okay most of the time. well, at least until that foot in my mouth starts tasting really bad.

shrunken dreams

one of my kids at the school has decided that i'm a miniature pony. though she says "miniature horse." i'm always carrying a nalgene water bottle, so she has decided that i drink gallons of water just like a horse. that was great, because i started out as a full-sized horse. there is something dignified about horses. i love them. they are beautiful, fast and graceful. have you ever seen a horse at full gallop? i have to tell you, the television makes it looks pretty unbelievable. alas, almost immediately my lovely little student decided that i was far too short to be a horse. i could only be a miniature horse.

and just like that i was relegated to being a dumpy little thing who just stands around and looks cute. okay, i'm not knocking the cute thing - i don't so much mind that. but, have you ever seen a miniature pony run? i have, and not just on television. they aren't graceful. they try to be, but, i mean, seriously...the girth usually far outspans the leg length. and those legs are pumping for all they are worth and just not getting very far very fast. i wouldn't call it a pretty sight. it's rather like a 30 lb. housecat trying to catch up to a sleek lion, or one of Snow White's dwarves (we'll call him Dumpy) trying to outrun the prince. well, now i digress, but you get my point.

it's a bit sad. my dreams of graceful grandeur being knocked to the level of dumpy, awkward exertion. it is even more disconcerting when you consider that i am supposed to run a 10k this weekend. arms and legs pumping (possibly flailing), i can only hope my miniature horse self can make it over the finish line. kudos to all of us "dumpys" out there.

yellow snow

we actually had snow in richmond. not just a little, believe it or not. 9" at our house. woohoo! we took rooney to the dog park to play. the mutt is crazy about snow. we get there and someone had built a huge snowman. the entire bottom of the snowman was yellow. as doug pointed this out, rooney proceeded to pee on one side of the snowman, take a break, walk to another side and pee again. it was the greatest snowman i've ever seen. i've never laughed so hard at a snowman before, and don't expect i ever will again.

i love dogs. they don't care whose watching or what you're thinking. if they need to do their business, by golly, they're going to do it. furthermore, i bet that was a very satisfying experience in my pup's life. i mean, how often will he get to pee on a snowman? in fact, sometimes in life we need to just let loose and not care who is watching or what they think.

so, go ahead...pee on a snowman today.

explanation

so, i am going to attempt, again, to write a blog. my sisters are great writers. my older sister used to write a blog that was terrific. my twin sister now writes a blog that is also great. so, if you're looking for terrific writing. go there. if you want spiritual truths and to follow a girl's relationship with God, find corrie's blog. it is very inspiring and deep and i am encouraged every time i read it. don't hold your breath for that kinda thing on this blog.

Truths:

• i am too lazy to spend a lot of time on a blog

• i am procrastinating now, actually

• i really do usually think i'm great

• the previous bullet typically gets in the way of my living life
  

• i really do have dreams of being a hero. i'm usually rescuing corrie - who is the stronger and braver of the two of us.

• this blog might make you uncomfortable b/c i tend to be too honest. strangely, i feel very secure in your uncomfortableness.

so, i'll give this a shot and your welcome to read or not!

oh, look...i am a poet, and you, sir, did not even know it.

that last was a shout-out to corrie!