there's so much crazy in my head

this is what i told doug on sunday night and, though we were having a serious conversation, he started laughing.  i do love my husband for his laughter.  sometimes, that is all that keeps me sane.

i always try to make my blog posts fun, light-hearted and, above all, silly.  i do love silly.  and, let's face it, people, i am funny and witty.  but, sometimes, you just don't feel funny and witty; you just feel, well, like there's so much crazy in your head.  my crazy originates from the fact that i am at odds with God.  there, i said it. Quite honestly, i know of no other way of saying it.  i have been at odds with God for a good three years now, though it slowly started before then and has intensified in the last two years.  it has been rough.

there is a lot i question and don't understand:  truth, untruth, love, judgement, grace, mercy, death, hell,  fear, people, legalism, Jesus, mainstream christianity, radical christianity,...and on, and on, and on.  there has been a lot of fear wrapped up in the crazy, and a lot of shame and guilt.  the shame and guilt are slowly dissipating as i adopt for myself my favorite motto:  it is what it is.

i have been blessed with an amazing husband who lets me verbalize all of my crazy, question all of my questions, rant and rave all of my anger and frustration and cry all of my fears.   i have been blessed with an amazing woman at church who listens and helps me understand some of what i am feeling and assures me that she does see a thread of sanity through my struggles.  she tells me that it is okay if i can't pick up my bible right now, or if i am not yet brave enough to journal my feelings and thoughts on a particularly tough revelation.  she and doug both tell me that it is okay to be where i am.  that is pretty amazing - to have these people in my life.  

am i doing better than i was two years ago?  yes, actually.  i am not nearly as angry, though i'm not sure why.  i can even pray sometimes, now.  and, last week, i even got the courage to pick the bible up and read a bit.  granted, i had to stop pretty quickly as questions began to overwhelm me; but, hey, i picked it up.  last week, i couldn't have written this blog post, even though i know the people who are going to read it love and care about me.  and, i have been given permission to seek...as a seeker...not as someone who knows the bible pretty well and grew up in a strong christian home.

so, as a seeker, there are two questions i have been asking myself lately:  who is Jesus?   not, who do i think jesus is or who do you think jesus is, but WHO IS JESUS?  who does he say he is?  because, quite honestly, it doesn't matter who i think he is or who you think he is.  our belief or disbelief about him does not change truth.  he is who he is - hence, who is he?

my second question is:  what does it mean to follow Jesus?  again, i don't really know and don't want all of the theological answers.  i know those.  i know them well.  i need simple.  so, right now, i know that Jesus fed and said to feed the hungry.  i give food to our food pantry at church.  that is all i can do right now in this journey.  that is all i have in me to do right now.  

and, you know what, that is okay.  it is what it is.