some thoughts on not knowing

a friend and her baby met mia and me at cartwheels and coffee this morning.  if you live in richmond with small children and have not yet found this little gem, i highly recommend you get there...as fast as you can run.  if it is a friday morning, you will probably see the henigin gals.  it is our special happy to celebrate the end of the week!  visit this place, people - www.cartwheelsandcoffee.com

this is what mia plays on almost the entire time we are there.  she's a climber, so it is like a little heaven for her, except when she falls - then we go home early.  and take a nap.  because sometimes that's all you can do.

so, back to this friend, who does have a name and it is amanda.  we are in that in-between stage of we know each other kinda, want to get to know each other better, but  our schedules just never match up.  she writes an awesome blog - living on grace - that is hilarious and very real, which i appreciate.  amanda has a one-year old little boy named david, so we discuss this thing called parenting when we get together.

anyway, we got to talking about my upcoming surgery in california and she asked a question only a new mama would know to ask another new mama.  how are you dealing with leaving mia for your surgery?  the answer?  NOT GOOD - the closer the leaving of my child gets, the more i try to press down the growing anxiety.  i get teary if i think or talk about it.  things can happen, after all.  bad things.  it doesn't matter that they aren't likely to happen.  they can still happen.  and they can be bad.

this question led into deeper questions and discussions about God.  we started talking about how one goes about trusting God with that which is most loved.  how do i do it?  i don't, really.  the thought scares me to death. 

the truth of the matter is that trust does not equate to safety.  just because i trust does not mean that something can't or won't happen, to me or to those i love.  i don't know how to trust...

because of this...

...and this is precious.  

i don't really know what trust looks like.  and i don't really understand it.  or how to do it.

you know what else?  it's okay. being a Christ-follower/Christ-seeker (i usually don't know which i am at any given moment on this journey) doesn't mean i have it all together - in fact, it pretty much means i don't, because He says He came to seek the lost, the weak and the broken.