there's so much crazy in my head

this is what i told doug on sunday night and, though we were having a serious conversation, he started laughing.  i do love my husband for his laughter.  sometimes, that is all that keeps me sane.

i always try to make my blog posts fun, light-hearted and, above all, silly.  i do love silly.  and, let's face it, people, i am funny and witty.  but, sometimes, you just don't feel funny and witty; you just feel, well, like there's so much crazy in your head.  my crazy originates from the fact that i am at odds with God.  there, i said it. Quite honestly, i know of no other way of saying it.  i have been at odds with God for a good three years now, though it slowly started before then and has intensified in the last two years.  it has been rough.

there is a lot i question and don't understand:  truth, untruth, love, judgement, grace, mercy, death, hell,  fear, people, legalism, Jesus, mainstream christianity, radical christianity,...and on, and on, and on.  there has been a lot of fear wrapped up in the crazy, and a lot of shame and guilt.  the shame and guilt are slowly dissipating as i adopt for myself my favorite motto:  it is what it is.

i have been blessed with an amazing husband who lets me verbalize all of my crazy, question all of my questions, rant and rave all of my anger and frustration and cry all of my fears.   i have been blessed with an amazing woman at church who listens and helps me understand some of what i am feeling and assures me that she does see a thread of sanity through my struggles.  she tells me that it is okay if i can't pick up my bible right now, or if i am not yet brave enough to journal my feelings and thoughts on a particularly tough revelation.  she and doug both tell me that it is okay to be where i am.  that is pretty amazing - to have these people in my life.  

am i doing better than i was two years ago?  yes, actually.  i am not nearly as angry, though i'm not sure why.  i can even pray sometimes, now.  and, last week, i even got the courage to pick the bible up and read a bit.  granted, i had to stop pretty quickly as questions began to overwhelm me; but, hey, i picked it up.  last week, i couldn't have written this blog post, even though i know the people who are going to read it love and care about me.  and, i have been given permission to seek...as a seeker...not as someone who knows the bible pretty well and grew up in a strong christian home.

so, as a seeker, there are two questions i have been asking myself lately:  who is Jesus?   not, who do i think jesus is or who do you think jesus is, but WHO IS JESUS?  who does he say he is?  because, quite honestly, it doesn't matter who i think he is or who you think he is.  our belief or disbelief about him does not change truth.  he is who he is - hence, who is he?

my second question is:  what does it mean to follow Jesus?  again, i don't really know and don't want all of the theological answers.  i know those.  i know them well.  i need simple.  so, right now, i know that Jesus fed and said to feed the hungry.  i give food to our food pantry at church.  that is all i can do right now in this journey.  that is all i have in me to do right now.  

and, you know what, that is okay.  it is what it is.

things no one told me

-poop can, indeed, land on the wall...6 inches from the ceiling

 

-no matter how much sleep at a time you get, you will still be tired

-your social life...your what?

-you can never, ever again watch movies/tv shows in which a child is in danger 

-every day has moments of pure joy

-your heart is always a puddle, because her smiles melt it

-you suddenly like pink

-you never knew you could love such a little thing so very much

 i love being mia's mommy!  on days when *&^%$ happens, you just laugh...hysterically...and clean it off the walls!

CONFESSIONS OF A SEMI-CRAZY GARAGE-SALER

i grew up going to garage sales with my mom.  it was great time to spend with her and a great way to learn the fine art of saving money.  i then hit college and, seriously, i was NOT getting up that early on a saturday!  now, i am a breastfeeding mom who needs baby clothes, toys and clothing for me.  so, i have now returned to the world of garage sales.  why not?  i have to be up at 7am, anyway!

i began to notice the craziness this last saturday.  by the way, didn't get such a great haul last saturday, though the saturday before - boy howdy - i took home the bacon!  not really...but, i did take home some polo sport rain boots, brand new sweaters, a bumbo seat and an educational toy for pennies!  

back to the craziness...i noticed it in myself at the very first sale that was a few streets away from me.  i had seen the sign two days before and had just been waiting for saturday to arrive.  the woman had a huge box of clothes.  each item was $.25 or 5 for a dollar.  another woman came over to look and we were both going through the box at the same time.  i was chatting kindly enough, but the whole time by adrenaline is pumping and i'm thinking, "i have to get to things before she does.  darn it, she got that cute sweater.  i have to hurry."  i finally had to keep telling myself to quit getting stressed out about finding clothes that were only a quarter apiece!

my next bit of craziness happened soon afterward.  you know that something might be seriously wrong with you when, on a saturday, you see bright orange and get all excited.  a garage sale sign!  you drive closer and have an overwhelming sense of disappointment because it is only an elderly walker.  you then find yourself thinking resentfully that he should not be wearing that on a saturday morning.  first of all, it is 8am so there is no traffic.  furthermore, there are no crazy drivers out (excluding myself, of course) because they all drank too much the night before and are in bed.  yes, i actually have feelings of resentment towards this elderly gentleman and his penchant for safety.  i feel only slightly less resentful when i see a young jogger wearing a bright green vest and again assume that it is another sign pointing me to the sale of all sales.  GET IT TOGETHER, WALKERS/RUNNERS/EXERCISERS OF ALL AGES:  DO NOT WEAR BRIGHT VESTS OUTDOORS UNTIL 2PM!  otherwise i may accidentally run you over trying to find the sale that your vest so deceptively advertised.

my craziness does not stop with crazy, my friends.  it actually becomes PARANOIA.  i pull up to sales, get out of the car and start walking up to the house, when i suddenly realize that i forgot to lock the car.  i initially don't worry about it (for about 2 seconds), but then the paranoia kicks in.  it goes something like this:  

"well, anyone could just open the door and take something out."

"not a big deal, actually, because my wallet is with me."

"but what if someone wants the lincoln logs that i just got for $3?"

"or, someone leaving this garage sale could look in and see the brand new pair of leather work gloves that i got Doug for a $1 and decide to just subtly try the door and take them?  then i'm out my $1 and the gloves."

BEEP, BEEP.

yes, my friends, that was me remotely locking my car...at a garage sale...with my car right where i could see it.

and, yes, i do have conversations like this in my head all day long!

and, finally, it is really bad when you go out and garage sale from 7:45am to 10:30am, then come home to feed the baby, and then GO BACK OUT, because by then most people are tired and ready to cut deals!

we're all crazy. i accepted this fact about everyone else a long time ago!  i am finally at a point in my life where i am accepting and embracing that about myself, as well. i am crazy, paranoid and trying to better learn to be thrifty (it is noon and you really think i'm gonna pay $5 for that coat?  seriously, $2 for that baby sleeper?  i got one last week for a quarter, not a chance i'm paying more).

my point, other than a few laughs?  EMBRACE THE CRAZY, RESENT SAFETY-MINDED EXERCISING PEOPLE AND DON'T PAY MORE THAN A QUARTER FOR BABY SLEEPER.

all aboard

so, we recently had some excitement in the henigin household.  on sunday, i was having braxton-hicks contractions and just felt "off."  monday, i had some pain and felt even more "off" (which takes practice at distinguishing since my whole life is usually lived a bit "off"!).  so, i called my dr. and made an appointment to go in to just check things out.

they put me on a monitor and, sure enough, my contractions started getting worse - and, yes, i do mean to use the word "worse."  everything you have heard about childbirth is apparently true, and here i was just at the beginning getting a practice run!  the dr. sent me over to the hospital where they continued monitoring me - with pain meds - hurray for pain meds!  :)

after a few hours, they determined that i was, indeed, in latent labor (which seems to be pre-early labor).  talk about a shock!  granted, after several more hours, the labor did stop, but that is not what this blog is about.  this blog is about the emotions that we were going through during this time.

for the previous three months, we have been terrified that the little ninja bug would come waaaaaaayyyyyyy too early.  it has been very scary.  then, as things settled down and began to look great, we settled down, as well.  i then hit the time of pregnancy called, "wish this were over and the baby would just get here."  not fun, let me tell you.  your big, your heavy, your bulky and you waddle.  yes, i definitely waddle.  

suddenly, however, monday happened.  that introduced an entirely new emotion - OH MY STINKING GOSH, THIS MIGHT REALLY HAPPEN AND WE COULD HAVE A BABY TODAY.  after being afraid that she would come too early, then settling in, then wanting her to get here so that i could quit being pregnant, i was now terrified that she might actually show up.  

here's the thing, though...if she comes, she comes.  as my neighbor pointed out yesterday, "y'all have come too far now!"  so, even though i'm scared out of my mind, guess what, people?

THIS TRAIN HAS LEFT THE STATION!

an irreverent reflection on pregnancy...'cause that's how i roll

i am not one of those women who loves pregnancy. in fact, i thoroughly dislike it. don't get me wrong, i am a huge fan of this little person that will soon be here, but the pregnancy part of getting her here is not fun. granted, i've had a rough pregnancy from the beginning that has included vomiting, scar tissue stretching, 4 hospital visits and bed rest. in fact, my little sister said to me the other day, "carmen, you know how they say that women glow when they are pregnant? you never really glowed. you just looked sick and tired all the time." i couldn't help but laugh, but then i informed her that people don't tell you that that "glow" is produced by the effort of trying to not vomit all the time!

another thing that makes me laugh is when people ask me if i intend to have a natural birth. you know how, in the Bible, Eve/women are told that there will be pain and suffering in childbearing? well, i figure i have fulfilled my portion of that curse for womankind. which is why i intend, upon reaching the hospital (for the 5th and hopefully final time!), i intend to say, or scream as circumstance demands, "EPIDURAL, please." also, that "please" will probably be dependent upon circumstances, as well.

one other thing, don't even ask if i have a birth plan. of course i do! it can be summed up like this -"get this baby out!"

now that we have covered the important points, let's change course and let me tell you about certain things that people don't tell you about pregnancy, but should. for instance, your hair. you always here that the vitamins and hormones help your hair look better and grow faster. well, for me, this is kinda true, i suppose. the times i actually have the energy to do my hair, it does look a bit better than normal. you NEVER hear, however, that those same vitamins and hormones make your leg hairs grow faster, too. seriously, i should be shaving every day. this is a problem. do you know how hard it now is to even reach my legs, much less drag a sharp, dangerous instrument up them? this is not to mention the fact that you can't even see, hu-hem, more delicate areas to shave. yes, i admit, i have used a mirror a couple of times. what's a girl to do, after all?

another thing people don't tell you (but i probably should have guessed) is the unique relationship you develop with the floor. i audibly groan every time i drop something...which is constantly. i feel as if i am about 105 years old b/c i look at the object for a bit as i mentally try to determine if it is worth the effort of bending or squatting down to get it. if i come to the conclusion that it is, i then mentally contemplate a bit longer to figure out if there is anything else i can get while i'm down there. of course, there usually isn't anything else in that particular place,. well, that is until i stand back up and drop the same &^*%#$@ object again, in the exact same place and have to go through the whole process a second (or third) time.

my sister especially enjoys the audible groans that i manage without realizing i'm doing it. these groans help me get through my day since they, basically, constitute my sympathizing with myself. they accompany any number of activities...bending/squatting down, sitting down, standing up, reaching for something at any and all heights, climbing in the car, climbing out of the car, sleeping, not sleeping, using the bathroom, not using the bathroom, moving, not moving, eating, not eating...well, i think you get the picture. my entire day is typically made up of my offering sympathy to myself. someone has to do it, after all.

sleeping, or not sleeping, as the case may be, is a whole new adventure - and not the fun kind. doug always said that if he could change something about me, it would be my internal temperature. i am always cold and he would get tired of having my ice-cold feet on him trying to warm up. well, he managed to change my internal body temperature by knocking me up, but is there any appreciation? no. now he says i radiate heat, he has a ton of blankets to sleep under and i have a sheet and maybe one other thin blanket. we have come to a compromise, however...if i need the house cooler, we make it cooler. :)

as is fairly obvious, pregnant women must also sleep on their sides. the back is uncomfortable and not great for you or the baby. stomach-sleeping....well...you know. so, you get to sleep on your sides and both get very sore, especially the hip bones. because of this, you find yourself switching sides often throughout the night. no one tells you that switching sides to lay on in bed becomes, at the very least, a 3-point maneuver! trust me, at this point, doug and i are both wishing we had a king-size bed! the other night he fell asleep on the couch and i didn't wake him up b/c i was reading and couldn't sleep - but, the real reason is that i wanted the bed to myself. how horrible is that? heehee!

all of this being said, doug and i are really excited about this little ninja bug coming to join our family! like most in our position, we are scared, excited, nervous, terrified, elated, etc. hopefully we can agree on a name, otherwise she will be called "ninja bug" all her life!

and, don't worry, i will try to have another post titled "an irreverent reflection on the newborn stage"! that post will probably begin with the amount of bodily fluids one must learn to deal with. that one should be good.

the consistent groove

spinning class. for most of you following this infrequent blog, that will be "enough said." my dear friend kerri (or at least "dear" until last night) talked me into going to spinning class with her. she knows i want to get back in shape after surgeries and knows i NEED to get back into shape while i continue eating everything in sight (goldfish are a particular favorite).

where was i? ah! the gym...spin class...disaster. i believe it has already been fairly well established that i am not a graceful person, even in my best of moments. let me preface this by saying that i was already so nervous that in the line to enter the room, i was talking my head off. when we got in, another friend set my bike for me since i had no idea what i was doing. the left pedal, however, somehow got left out of the setting equation.

we begin. oh, this isn't so bad. they even have cool music and turn the lights out. sweeeeeeeeet! spinning really isn't bad when you keep the gears at the lowest setting possible. i think i have this figured out. what? you want me to up the gear? not a problem! again? now, i'm starting to sweat. remember that left pedal? yep, my foot slipped right out. stop and fix it. keep going. get a drink of water. up a gear. left foot out again. stop and fix it. WHAT? you want me to stand up on this thing? are you serious? everyone else is standing up so i guess she is serious. darn it. sit back down. take a sip of water. left foot out again. stop and fix it. stand up again. down again. i wish she would make up her mind. left foot out again. stop and fix it. take a sip of water.

oops, dropped the water bottle. leave it there. a bright pink beacon of my spinning inadequacy. up a gear...again. wipe the sweat off with a towel. dropped the towel. wanted the bright pink water bottle to have company. keep going. up another stinkin' gear. now we are really going and i am really sweating, without the luxury of being able to wipe the sweat off b/c my towel is visiting my water bottle.

at this point, she says we must up the intensity. up the intensity? what have i been doing this whole time? i'm upped, i'm upped. leave me alone. i look to my left. kerri is grinning/laughing at me. it's a good thing she brought me the on-the-floor water bottle and towel or i might slap her. i might slap her anyway.

climbing a hill, now. the hardest hill of all she says...i am actually doing pretty well with this hill if you don't count the burning thirst and the river of sweat. climbing...climbing...climbing...falling, falling...falling........yes, my friends, i fell off of a stationary bike.

the instructor and about four other people yell "are you okay?" kerri is laughing harder. a guy from the back comes to help me with the left pedal that has come off four different times now, (and that isn't even counting the fall) while everyone else keeps spinning. kerri, in the meantime, keeps laughing. the guy on my right tells me that he has always been afraid he would do that. i inform him that he doesn't need to be afraid anymore because i just did it for both of us.

i climb back on the instrument of torture and try to get my groove back. which is a bit humorous considering that my groove consisted of dropping things and slipping out of pedals. thankfully, the class ended soon after and everyone told me that it was okay that i had fallen off something that never moved.

i felt as if i should have been thoroughly humiliated, but i couldn't help but laugh. how can you not? moments like that are very funny. if not for you, then for everyone else! it is hard when you go into something wanting to be perfect at it the first time, and we all do that, admit it! so, i was not perfect, but i was consistent with "Carmen-ness." there is, after all, something comforting about consistency, isn't there? will i return to spin class?

probably. but not to that bike. it hates me.

it has been almost a year...wow

i can't believe (that's a lie, i can) that i haven't written a blog in almost a year. by almost a year, i mean a year. i think i'm a week short. wow! my friend jay knows me too well. he started laughing when i said i was going to write a blog. sigh.

it has been a crazy year. i finished student teaching in december. during that, i had hernia surgery, an emergency room visit, and multiple doctor visits. right after finishing (as in the day of), i was in the emergency room b/c i couldn't walk 6 weeks after the surgery b/c of nerve issues, so i had a second surgery to relieve pressure on the nerve. the next day, doug and i flew to texas for christmas with my family. hmmmmmmm....can we say, just a little painful? it was worth it, though, and, since hell has not yet frozen over, there was no way i wasn't going to go. well, after a long recovery time (which is still going on as i deal with pain on a daily basis), normal life has, more-or-less, resumed. i am teaching kindergarten as a long-term substitute and loving it. doug and i are remodeling the kitchen. in fact, i spent the weekend climbing up a ladder and in and out of a window to get into my house. that part - not fun. we are also going to aruba in june just to celebrate the fact that i am 98% recovered. :)

so, that is the catch-up for you. now for the actual blog...which is of nothing important and completely random mind wanderings. let's start with church. i was totally not focused this sunday. it is hard to focus when allergies/sinuses are about to make your head explode. then you begin to wonder what that might actually look like. not pretty, let me tell you. then, i think of something that must just absolutely be said to my husband or my sister (who was visiting and will be spending summer with me b/c she found a job!), or the friend behind me. so, of course, i tell them. then, the pastor says something that i think doug should be paying particular attention to, so i jab him in the ribs. yes, i jab him in the ribs. any other good wife would do the same. don't judge me. :p then, well, i need a pen, b/c i'm starting to feel bad about whispering. i can't find one. doug tries to help. he can't find one. caylen finally gets me one. so i write notes to both of them that have nothing to do with the sermon (though i'm sure i could have come up with something convicting and meaningful had a i really tried). and, yes, caylen (sister) plans on going with my boys and i on pony pasture trips this summer, just so you know. all of this being said, i didn't hear much of the sermon. this is where i trust that the Lord just allowed what needed to stick to stick, b/c i wasn't helping Him out at all. i'm glad He's in charge and i'm not. i'd hate to think that He was envisioning what allergy-exploded heads would look like.