How to Have a C-Section

     It's a pretty arrogant article title, don't you think? "How to Have a C-Section" - I mean, come on. Natural childbirth is harder, right? Probably, but I wouldn't know. My body just wouldn't have a kid naturally. In the, "No way, not having it, are you crazy, lady?" sort of way.

With my first kid, I was in labor for 20 hours, she still hadn't dropped (so high that the doctor couldn't even turn her) and she was sunny-side up. So, in we went and I vomited through the ENTIRE procedure. Fun times. She came out looking like an alien with the pointiest head I have ever seen. Thankfully, that corrected itself or she would have grown up looking like Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants.

My second C-section was much easier. In fact, it was the easiest of the three. I went into labor, a friend drove me to the hospital and stayed with me until my husband arrived, they put me in a bed and gave me drugs until the doctor could get to me. I'm funny when I am on drugs. A friend of mine, who is a twin, was one of my nurses during the C-section. After they doped me up, I told her I saw two of her, but if her twin was with her, I would be seeing four. Funny, right? I also talked a lot about Challa French Toast from a local diner. Then...oh, look...a baby!

This was pre-vomit..obviously.

My third C-section was also fairly easy. I mean easy as far as having a major operation at the same time you have a newborn can be. I went into labor, they took me back, gave me meds and I vomited. Of course, I vomited. The doctor wanted to know what I had eaten. Um, 1/2 of a hamburger and some ice cream, of course. Next question: WHY? Well, I didn't know I was going to go into labor. Duh. Then, another baby!

So, I still haven't answered the question, have I? How do you have a C-Section? Drugs, my friend. Drugs.

How to Practice Embarrassing Your Kids

       For as long as I can remember, I have loved to make people laugh. I'm not a professional comedian, by any stretch. In fact, while growing up, my family always said that I was my biggest fan. It's true...I crack myself up. I do think that my wit was much quicker, brighter and funnier before kids. That, of course, is primarily due to the fact that I still had brain cells that weren't taken up with poopie diapers, milk spills and a toddler deciding to wash her own hair - after getting the poopie diaper in it. Now, it's a slower - much slower - kind of funny.

It is just this side of me that I think will be perfect for embarrassing my children later. I mean, I can still totally embarrass my mom by breaking out into a dance in the middle of a store. Have I mentioned that I will be 40 next year? I do feel she should be much more accustomed to this (and by this, I mean "me") by now. So, of course, the potential for embarrassing 3 girls in their teen years is astronomical.

They have years ahead of them in which to be embarrassed by me...
lucky little ones!

Right now, my kids are 1, 4 and 7. Great ages, but we aren't quite to the "you are embarrassing me, Mom" stage. Their dad and I are still their superheroes. The INCREDIBLES of their lives, if you will (see what I did there?). When does that change? I don't even know, but I think it will either creep up slowly or hit like a sledgehammer. It will creep up with the 7-year old. The 4-year old is already a sledgehammer (her nickname is Tiny Viking), and it's too early to tell with the 1-year old, but one can hope she just tiptoes into it.

In order to stay somewhat sharp for embarrassing them when they are older, I still dance in the middle of stores, skip through the parking lot of the grocery store and sing off-key (that part isn't actually on purpose) in public. The great thing is that they do it with me right now and those moments are beautiful.

By the way, in a TMI moment, I'd like to reveal that this almost 40-year old has a hard time not biting her nails, sometimes wears pigtails, talks way too much, laughs at her own jokes and goes a little crazy when she hears people chewing. All of this has led me to the conclusion that I don't have to practice now for embarrassing my kids in the future. MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN PRACTICE. I mean, I have aced the test years before actually having to take it!

So, please, don't worry, parents of young ones. You will be perfectly capable of embarrassing your children for years to come. Just be you. Apparently, that is all it takes.