Wednesday, March 23, 2011

an irreverent reflection on pregnancy...'cause that's how i roll

i am not one of those women who loves pregnancy. in fact, i thoroughly dislike it. don't get me wrong, i am a huge fan of this little person that will soon be here, but the pregnancy part of getting her here is not fun. granted, i've had a rough pregnancy from the beginning that has included vomiting, scar tissue stretching, 4 hospital visits and bed rest. in fact, my little sister said to me the other day, "carmen, you know how they say that women glow when they are pregnant? you never really glowed. you just looked sick and tired all the time." i couldn't help but laugh, but then i informed her that people don't tell you that that "glow" is produced by the effort of trying to not vomit all the time!

another thing that makes me laugh is when people ask me if i intend to have a natural birth. you know how, in the Bible, Eve/women are told that there will be pain and suffering in childbearing? well, i figure i have fulfilled my portion of that curse for womankind. which is why i intend, upon reaching the hospital (for the 5th and hopefully final time!), i intend to say, or scream as circumstance demands, "EPIDURAL, please." also, that "please" will probably be dependent upon circumstances, as well.

one other thing, don't even ask if i have a birth plan. of course i do! it can be summed up like this -"get this baby out!"

now that we have covered the important points, let's change course and let me tell you about certain things that people don't tell you about pregnancy, but should. for instance, your hair. you always here that the vitamins and hormones help your hair look better and grow faster. well, for me, this is kinda true, i suppose. the times i actually have the energy to do my hair, it does look a bit better than normal. you NEVER hear, however, that those same vitamins and hormones make your leg hairs grow faster, too. seriously, i should be shaving every day. this is a problem. do you know how hard it now is to even reach my legs, much less drag a sharp, dangerous instrument up them? this is not to mention the fact that you can't even see, hu-hem, more delicate areas to shave. yes, i admit, i have used a mirror a couple of times. what's a girl to do, after all?

another thing people don't tell you (but i probably should have guessed) is the unique relationship you develop with the floor. i audibly groan every time i drop something...which is constantly. i feel as if i am about 105 years old b/c i look at the object for a bit as i mentally try to determine if it is worth the effort of bending or squatting down to get it. if i come to the conclusion that it is, i then mentally contemplate a bit longer to figure out if there is anything else i can get while i'm down there. of course, there usually isn't anything else in that particular place,. well, that is until i stand back up and drop the same &^*%#$@ object again, in the exact same place and have to go through the whole process a second (or third) time.

my sister especially enjoys the audible groans that i manage without realizing i'm doing it. these groans help me get through my day since they, basically, constitute my sympathizing with myself. they accompany any number of activities...bending/squatting down, sitting down, standing up, reaching for something at any and all heights, climbing in the car, climbing out of the car, sleeping, not sleeping, using the bathroom, not using the bathroom, moving, not moving, eating, not eating...well, i think you get the picture. my entire day is typically made up of my offering sympathy to myself. someone has to do it, after all.

sleeping, or not sleeping, as the case may be, is a whole new adventure - and not the fun kind. doug always said that if he could change something about me, it would be my internal temperature. i am always cold and he would get tired of having my ice-cold feet on him trying to warm up. well, he managed to change my internal body temperature by knocking me up, but is there any appreciation? no. now he says i radiate heat, he has a ton of blankets to sleep under and i have a sheet and maybe one other thin blanket. we have come to a compromise, however...if i need the house cooler, we make it cooler. :)

as is fairly obvious, pregnant women must also sleep on their sides. the back is uncomfortable and not great for you or the baby. know. so, you get to sleep on your sides and both get very sore, especially the hip bones. because of this, you find yourself switching sides often throughout the night. no one tells you that switching sides to lay on in bed becomes, at the very least, a 3-point maneuver! trust me, at this point, doug and i are both wishing we had a king-size bed! the other night he fell asleep on the couch and i didn't wake him up b/c i was reading and couldn't sleep - but, the real reason is that i wanted the bed to myself. how horrible is that? heehee!

all of this being said, doug and i are really excited about this little ninja bug coming to join our family! like most in our position, we are scared, excited, nervous, terrified, elated, etc. hopefully we can agree on a name, otherwise she will be called "ninja bug" all her life!

and, don't worry, i will try to have another post titled "an irreverent reflection on the newborn stage"! that post will probably begin with the amount of bodily fluids one must learn to deal with. that one should be good.

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